Once upon a time in Hollywood, the cool kids made a movie

Once upon a time in Hollywood is the movie equivalent of a high school party thrown by all the cool kids in your town. You got an invite and you feel like you should love it, and sometimes you do. But mostly, you’re bored.

Leonardo DiCaprio anchors the movie as the flawed golden boy. He’s the quarterback, or in this case, an all-American movie star who made his name in Westerns. Brad Pitt is the popular guy who’s nice to everyone. You love him, so of course he’s got a dark side. Margot Robbie is the cheerleader who’s so nice you suspend your belief in mean girls when she’s around.

And actually, let’s spend a minute on Robbie. I deeply wanted to love her in this role. She did the work and she is damn talented. But she doesn’t quite look like Sharon Tate and she’s too poised (and recognizable) to totally pull off ingenue. In the end, it feels as if she brought ceviche to the party — delicious but wrong, and you’re only eating it as a way to avoid the punch.

In keeping to the party theme, there’s no real plot to this movie. Just a series of gratuitous events that eventually climax in a way we hope means something. There’s a fight. There’s a wise child. There’s a lot of dramatic acting (quite literally).

We indulge these meandering scenes (for 2.5 hours) for the same reason we indulged the popular kids in high school. Because we think it’s probably important, we’re just not cool enough to get it. 

And that’s the thing about this movie. While I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it, I can’t quite silence the little voice saying, “Well, maybe you just didn’t get it?” 

Because how could it be bad when Damien Lewis (!!!) shows up for a bit part. I mean, everyone is in this movie. Luke Perry, Kurt Russell, and Al Pacino make appearances.  Margaret Qualley oozes “where do I know her from” charm. Lena Dunham pops up at the Manson ranch. Dakota Fanning packs a punch in a surprise cameo.

Not only is everyone at this party, they all seem to be having the time of their lives. And you’re here for the ride! At the same time, you’re not really included. You’re just a spectator at best, a voyeur at worst.

The movie’s saving grace is its ending. Tarantino makes sure the climax does, in fact, have meaning. He mutes his trademark violence even in the most violent scene and adds a clear element of hope.

And dammit, there is a dog. A pitbull who steals the show and repeatedly makes Brad Pitt the second cutest character on screen.

So in the end, it’s not all bad. Just know the stories about the party will be better than the party itself, and your favorite part will be the dog. But maybe that’s OK. You did it for the story, anyway.